Creature Feature of The Year: A Movie Review

Year 2009 has seen some pretty high octane movies in the science fiction genre.

We had “Star Trek”; we had “Terminator: Salvation”; we had the incomparable “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” (okay, so I’m biased; sue me!); the amazing wildcard entry “District 9”; and of course the much-talked-about “Avatar”, said to re-define Cinema As We Know It.

As happens every year, 2009 too had its share of rare masterpieces that, sans big banners, sans star power, sans immense publicity, were buried under the hype and hoopla of the Hollywood heavyweights.

Only to be discovered much, much later, by connoisseurs of refined taste.

Yes, I talk of one such gem.

A classified Government Operation gone wrong, experimental sonar mines cause massive glacial landslides in the Northern Seas. And thus, after millions of years in deep-freeze, Terror is unleashed upon the waters, the likes of which have never been seen before.

Times two.

Ladies and Gentlemen, behold. “Megashark vs. Giant Octopus”.

Yes, that is the title. Unimaginative, you might say, but it doesn’t take away the fact that this movie is possibly the most spectacular bad creature feature till date.

The plot? The plot, is irrelative. Who would even want to hear corny dialogue from bad actors playing out a crummy screenplay, when you’ve got two giant prehistoric beasties running free in the seven seas – monsters that defy all sense of size, speed and ferocity, that can bring down the Golden Gate Bridge with a single chomp, that can swat fighter aircraft like flies, and launch hundreds (if not thousands) of feet in the air and take down a 747. Oh yea. I know you’re staring, mouth agape.

Who cares if a bunch of scientists cook up glowing pheromones in test tubes (I half-expected mushroom clouds billowing out of the beakers, I really did) to lure in the beasts, when you get to see giant tentacles juggle and snap submarines in half. And hear things like “Target’s speed has accelerated to 500 knots, sir.” 500 knots. That’s 926 kmph. Underwater. Imagine riding the Megashark, full steam ahead. Whoa ho ho ho ho.

Ace Hannah and crew fervently believe in reusability: the same CGI sequences are shown over and over again, to drill home the point – “YES THERE IS A MONSTER SHARK/OCTOPUS RIGHT BEHIND YOU, NOW STEP ON IT YOU MORON!!” And I’m not complaining: the lesser the human characters are shown, the better.

That’s not all. “Megashark vs. Giant Octopus” isn’t just a movie. It is a message.

That Global Warming can melt ice caps and let loose woolly mammoths and dinosaurs and ancient alien spacecraft, and God knows what else. So Save the Planet, people! Go Green!

That Military Might, for all the high-tech and their trigger-happy ideals when it comes to nuking stuff on land or sea or air, is simply no match for Raw Nature. What an undependable drain on taxpayers’ money! Down with the Army! Say No to Guns! Say No to War!

That the best ideas hit you after sex.

Still skeptical? Eat this.

“The epitome of Monster Movie Awesome.” – The Three Rs

Yes indeed. And for this alone, I rate the movie 4/5. Go ahead, shoot me. But not before you’ve seen it, so that I’ll  die content, having taken 88 minutes out of your life.